Hardwired

"Hardwired"
*a small glimpse into the troubled times in the maddening love of family. I wrote this when my daughter was continuously missing me and acting out again and again and I was heartbroken*

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away"

And then yesterday they came back with a blistering burn in my belly
scorched my teeth and I was seething with a madness
unbelievable and shameful
I kept to myself as to word them... to put a voice to something so unstoppable
might have stopped it
the finality of words
flung out viciously
as I flung out my feet and kicked like a sobbing child at the dollhouse that was my inadequacies
I heard you never really outgrow your actions as a child.
They are hardwired
and
inate
I was a horrible child
(so I hear)
I can't really remember
just the visions I get when I relate my who-I-am-now
with the story of who-I-was-then
the girl with the curl
when she was good .. you know the rest
I was horrid.
I am seeing this in my progeny
I understand what it is to love so deeply this perfect being
and to see who I was with my own eyes
how do you resent yourself
how do you stop the sensitivity when you want to reach out in understanding
and instead rend your words with venom
you want to say I know baby just hold my hand
but when she hits you in the head
when you can't reason
when logic is dead
the best thing to do is to walk
and kick at things instead of kicking at those you love
like you can't love yourself
so some words were spent in the air
some words landed brazenly and wounded my little bird
words like
I want to leave
I can't do this
I hate that you are like this
but I am the adult, not hardwired, but hard-earned
learned and faded
and worn
and tired
my eyes focus on the sweetness that looks up at me
after her stormy sea
her tempest turns into a sharp piercing in my heart
that had no armour to begin with
and her hand reaches tenderly up to cup
my cheek as if it is hers
and not separated by years and tears
this rendering of all my great gory bits
my stupid guilt trips
and her sweetness rips
at my body
like the bruises I amassed
after her thrown book took a pass
at my face
these bruises will fade and her actions are made
long after the tempers have vanished
leaving this dull ache in place
and my spirit feels so famished
If she knew the struggle I walk
if she knew what I overcome to be her rock
maybe she could undo those tendancies
to be temper crazed and mad
to put a voice to something so bad
that it rocks my very being
it negates all the goodness I was seeing
so when I say
I want to go away
I mean it
God help me I mean it.
I love her enough to spare her my feeble attempts
at righteousness
she means more to me than
choked back apologies and one sided steep hills
that go on indefinately
and my mismatched shoes navigating unseen holes
I am always falling
and she needs more than I can provide

But then I look inside
and though I see I mean it
those heart-vicing realities
there is no one who could
walk this path with such knowledge
so we falter together and go on with these shoes
the same ones worn by another
by my mother
the fairy tales told were half truths and faded
(and certainly, growth with me would feel a little jaded)
My eyes have lost their edge today
the verve just up and went away
the reality is flippant
and when the tide comes in again
maybe I will have lost more reserve
But still I will serve
you can't divorce yourself of what you really really want
so much you can't see clearly
beyond the soaked cheeks
and the cloth you weep into
as you envision life beyond feeling
as you envision the peace it would be to shut it off
shut it off
shut it off
when it is gone
what greets you?
What calls you mommy and meets you?
What sparkling laughter defeats you?
oh I am dangerous to myself
putty and marshmallow soft
to those who I have lost
in my belly
in the deepest parts of my motherhood
in the darkest depths of my something good
I am lost to being understood
and resign myself to standing here
resisting fear
Just staying here
and being near
and seeing clear
for a brief moment before the next wave hits
and I am thrown off by a fit
that didn't come from me
but came from me
and to write it so dispassionately
so indescriminately
still it will be
my own fit thrown in caution
with fingers and not true words
that can bite the tender skin of one so young
who has only just begun
to know the ways
and to shine her own rays
like a Sun
*or a daughter*
of one
who knows
.................